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Oct. 20th, 2002
Someone make me do something stupid!!
I need to take a risk, I need to prove that I'm worth something.
I'm just so fucking scared of losing people I love and fucking myself up beyond repair.
But I WANT to do it to. I want to make people worried and excited and jealous and envious and everything dammit. And I've been trying to but when it all comes down it I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. I also lack the bravery to do shit like that.
I'll jump out of a plane no problems (but not without a parachute!), but to me kisses are sacred and I'd be awfully reluctant to kiss another guy on the lips.
*sigh*
Sorry if I'm too sheltered and romantic, I just like things to be nice and simple, not a convoluted headfuck. I don't have time to be screwed up.
How do I unknot myself? If I could smooth out and untie my mind maybe I wouldn't always be so bloody exhausted.
I don't know what is the truth and what is my skewed perception. Why do I feel like the only one that is seen as needing to change? Does no-one else believe in self-improvement? Or are you all content to wallow in your lots and complain you never have enough, instead of doing something about it?
*frustrate*
Why can't we all change a little and meet in the middle? Why does no-one believe in compromise, I feel like I'm doing all the work and having to transform into someone else. Why is everyone else perfect and not me??
I need to take a risk, I need to prove that I'm worth something.
I'm just so fucking scared of losing people I love and fucking myself up beyond repair.
But I WANT to do it to. I want to make people worried and excited and jealous and envious and everything dammit. And I've been trying to but when it all comes down it I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. I also lack the bravery to do shit like that.
I'll jump out of a plane no problems (but not without a parachute!), but to me kisses are sacred and I'd be awfully reluctant to kiss another guy on the lips.
*sigh*
Sorry if I'm too sheltered and romantic, I just like things to be nice and simple, not a convoluted headfuck. I don't have time to be screwed up.
How do I unknot myself? If I could smooth out and untie my mind maybe I wouldn't always be so bloody exhausted.
I don't know what is the truth and what is my skewed perception. Why do I feel like the only one that is seen as needing to change? Does no-one else believe in self-improvement? Or are you all content to wallow in your lots and complain you never have enough, instead of doing something about it?
*frustrate*
Why can't we all change a little and meet in the middle? Why does no-one believe in compromise, I feel like I'm doing all the work and having to transform into someone else. Why is everyone else perfect and not me??
Someone make me do something stupid!!
I need to take a risk, I need to prove that I'm worth something.
I'm just so fucking scared of losing people I love and fucking myself up beyond repair.
But I WANT to do it to. I want to make people worried and excited and jealous and envious and everything dammit. And I've been trying to but when it all comes down it I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. I also lack the bravery to do shit like that.
I'll jump out of a plane no problems (but not without a parachute!), but to me kisses are sacred and I'd be awfully reluctant to kiss another guy on the lips.
*sigh*
Sorry if I'm too sheltered and romantic, I just like things to be nice and simple, not a convoluted headfuck. I don't have time to be screwed up.
How do I unknot myself? If I could smooth out and untie my mind maybe I wouldn't always be so bloody exhausted.
I don't know what is the truth and what is my skewed perception. Why do I feel like the only one that is seen as needing to change? Does no-one else believe in self-improvement? Or are you all content to wallow in your lots and complain you never have enough, instead of doing something about it?
*frustrate*
Why can't we all change a little and meet in the middle? Why does no-one believe in compromise, I feel like I'm doing all the work and having to transform into someone else. Why is everyone else perfect and not me??
I need to take a risk, I need to prove that I'm worth something.
I'm just so fucking scared of losing people I love and fucking myself up beyond repair.
But I WANT to do it to. I want to make people worried and excited and jealous and envious and everything dammit. And I've been trying to but when it all comes down it I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. I also lack the bravery to do shit like that.
I'll jump out of a plane no problems (but not without a parachute!), but to me kisses are sacred and I'd be awfully reluctant to kiss another guy on the lips.
*sigh*
Sorry if I'm too sheltered and romantic, I just like things to be nice and simple, not a convoluted headfuck. I don't have time to be screwed up.
How do I unknot myself? If I could smooth out and untie my mind maybe I wouldn't always be so bloody exhausted.
I don't know what is the truth and what is my skewed perception. Why do I feel like the only one that is seen as needing to change? Does no-one else believe in self-improvement? Or are you all content to wallow in your lots and complain you never have enough, instead of doing something about it?
*frustrate*
Why can't we all change a little and meet in the middle? Why does no-one believe in compromise, I feel like I'm doing all the work and having to transform into someone else. Why is everyone else perfect and not me??
Mountains out of molehills
Oct. 20th, 2002 07:00 pmMan the guy who invented showers is a fucking genius. Sure, I like to get a little sweaty and dirty, but perhaps only because it increases the pleasure of sloughing it all off at the end of the day and feeling human again.
More pseudo-deep frustrated skewed thoughts from me. I'm trying to get people to understand. I don't need a diagnosis, I just need a hand here.
Last night. Walking from the car to the door at Matt's place. I was walking beside Matt and Kitty was on the other side. But after a few steps I find myself being steered toward the garden and being forced to walk behind while they walked side by side. And I thought again, why I am always the one pushed back, left behind, made to follow?? Why can't I walk beside and be equal dammit?? I'm sure no-one else saw it that way but in my eyes in my world it seems to happen over and over and I don't know if it's a conspiracy against me or just my skewed view and how do I stop myself seeing it like that? Or should people just think and go "hey, why is she tagging along? Come walk beside me, not behind me, I'll make some space for you."
I REALLY REALLY had a GREAT birthday (the actual day, last Saturday), it was one of the darn nicest days I've had in ages.
Expect more stuff like this as I think of it and try and sort out this mess that is my brain.
More pseudo-deep frustrated skewed thoughts from me. I'm trying to get people to understand. I don't need a diagnosis, I just need a hand here.
Last night. Walking from the car to the door at Matt's place. I was walking beside Matt and Kitty was on the other side. But after a few steps I find myself being steered toward the garden and being forced to walk behind while they walked side by side. And I thought again, why I am always the one pushed back, left behind, made to follow?? Why can't I walk beside and be equal dammit?? I'm sure no-one else saw it that way but in my eyes in my world it seems to happen over and over and I don't know if it's a conspiracy against me or just my skewed view and how do I stop myself seeing it like that? Or should people just think and go "hey, why is she tagging along? Come walk beside me, not behind me, I'll make some space for you."
I REALLY REALLY had a GREAT birthday (the actual day, last Saturday), it was one of the darn nicest days I've had in ages.
Expect more stuff like this as I think of it and try and sort out this mess that is my brain.
Mountains out of molehills
Oct. 20th, 2002 07:00 pmMan the guy who invented showers is a fucking genius. Sure, I like to get a little sweaty and dirty, but perhaps only because it increases the pleasure of sloughing it all off at the end of the day and feeling human again.
More pseudo-deep frustrated skewed thoughts from me. I'm trying to get people to understand. I don't need a diagnosis, I just need a hand here.
Last night. Walking from the car to the door at Matt's place. I was walking beside Matt and Kitty was on the other side. But after a few steps I find myself being steered toward the garden and being forced to walk behind while they walked side by side. And I thought again, why I am always the one pushed back, left behind, made to follow?? Why can't I walk beside and be equal dammit?? I'm sure no-one else saw it that way but in my eyes in my world it seems to happen over and over and I don't know if it's a conspiracy against me or just my skewed view and how do I stop myself seeing it like that? Or should people just think and go "hey, why is she tagging along? Come walk beside me, not behind me, I'll make some space for you."
I REALLY REALLY had a GREAT birthday (the actual day, last Saturday), it was one of the darn nicest days I've had in ages.
Expect more stuff like this as I think of it and try and sort out this mess that is my brain.
More pseudo-deep frustrated skewed thoughts from me. I'm trying to get people to understand. I don't need a diagnosis, I just need a hand here.
Last night. Walking from the car to the door at Matt's place. I was walking beside Matt and Kitty was on the other side. But after a few steps I find myself being steered toward the garden and being forced to walk behind while they walked side by side. And I thought again, why I am always the one pushed back, left behind, made to follow?? Why can't I walk beside and be equal dammit?? I'm sure no-one else saw it that way but in my eyes in my world it seems to happen over and over and I don't know if it's a conspiracy against me or just my skewed view and how do I stop myself seeing it like that? Or should people just think and go "hey, why is she tagging along? Come walk beside me, not behind me, I'll make some space for you."
I REALLY REALLY had a GREAT birthday (the actual day, last Saturday), it was one of the darn nicest days I've had in ages.
Expect more stuff like this as I think of it and try and sort out this mess that is my brain.
That thought just popped into my mind and I immediately realise how damn silly it was and giggled.
But geepers, I'm sure I ogle more girls than guys *shrug*.
I think I have a signature song at karaoke now, yay!! And don't let me forget to Reminiscing next week!!
This is my signature song...
Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher
Alarm zu geben, wenn's so waer
Dabei war'n da am Horizont
Nur 99 Luftballons
99 Duesenjaeger
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk
Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk
Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft
Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht
Dabei schoss man am Horizont
Auf 99 Luftballons
99 Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht
Mann, wer haette das gedacht
Dass es einmal soweit kommt
Wegen 99 Luftballons
99 Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger
Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen
But I do the English version because I don't know German
You and I in a little toy shop
buy a bag of balloons
with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message,
"Something's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by.
99 red balloons
floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
from somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Where 99 red balloons go by.
99 Decision Street,
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 Knights of the air
ride super-high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a superhero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify and classify
Scramblin' the summer sky
As 99 red balloons go by.
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenier
Just to prove the world was here...
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.
Such a sinister song for something so darn bouncy!
But geepers, I'm sure I ogle more girls than guys *shrug*.
I think I have a signature song at karaoke now, yay!! And don't let me forget to Reminiscing next week!!
This is my signature song...
Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher
Alarm zu geben, wenn's so waer
Dabei war'n da am Horizont
Nur 99 Luftballons
99 Duesenjaeger
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk
Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk
Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft
Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht
Dabei schoss man am Horizont
Auf 99 Luftballons
99 Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht
Mann, wer haette das gedacht
Dass es einmal soweit kommt
Wegen 99 Luftballons
99 Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger
Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen
But I do the English version because I don't know German
You and I in a little toy shop
buy a bag of balloons
with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message,
"Something's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by.
99 red balloons
floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
from somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Where 99 red balloons go by.
99 Decision Street,
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 Knights of the air
ride super-high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a superhero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify and classify
Scramblin' the summer sky
As 99 red balloons go by.
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenier
Just to prove the world was here...
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.
Such a sinister song for something so darn bouncy!
That thought just popped into my mind and I immediately realise how damn silly it was and giggled.
But geepers, I'm sure I ogle more girls than guys *shrug*.
I think I have a signature song at karaoke now, yay!! And don't let me forget to Reminiscing next week!!
This is my signature song...
Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher
Alarm zu geben, wenn's so waer
Dabei war'n da am Horizont
Nur 99 Luftballons
99 Duesenjaeger
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk
Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk
Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft
Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht
Dabei schoss man am Horizont
Auf 99 Luftballons
99 Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht
Mann, wer haette das gedacht
Dass es einmal soweit kommt
Wegen 99 Luftballons
99 Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger
Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen
But I do the English version because I don't know German
You and I in a little toy shop
buy a bag of balloons
with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message,
"Something's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by.
99 red balloons
floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
from somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Where 99 red balloons go by.
99 Decision Street,
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 Knights of the air
ride super-high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a superhero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify and classify
Scramblin' the summer sky
As 99 red balloons go by.
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenier
Just to prove the world was here...
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.
Such a sinister song for something so darn bouncy!
But geepers, I'm sure I ogle more girls than guys *shrug*.
I think I have a signature song at karaoke now, yay!! And don't let me forget to Reminiscing next week!!
This is my signature song...
Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher
Alarm zu geben, wenn's so waer
Dabei war'n da am Horizont
Nur 99 Luftballons
99 Duesenjaeger
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk
Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk
Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft
Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht
Dabei schoss man am Horizont
Auf 99 Luftballons
99 Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht
Mann, wer haette das gedacht
Dass es einmal soweit kommt
Wegen 99 Luftballons
99 Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger
Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen
But I do the English version because I don't know German
You and I in a little toy shop
buy a bag of balloons
with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message,
"Something's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by.
99 red balloons
floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
from somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Where 99 red balloons go by.
99 Decision Street,
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 Knights of the air
ride super-high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a superhero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify and classify
Scramblin' the summer sky
As 99 red balloons go by.
As 99 red balloons go by.
99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenier
Just to prove the world was here...
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.
Such a sinister song for something so darn bouncy!
I lead a vicarious life.
I have read and heard so much and done and experienced so little.
Then there is Storm, my role play character and alter-ego, who has lived a life where she has seen & done everything risky and not given a shit and me on the other side of the coin who is scared and inexperienced and cares waaayyy too much.
It's wierd, I'm writing this stuff as if I'm in one of my depressive moods but at the moment I am fine. I am just mellow and just a bit tired *yawns*. I have too much work and too little time. Dammit.
I have read and heard so much and done and experienced so little.
Then there is Storm, my role play character and alter-ego, who has lived a life where she has seen & done everything risky and not given a shit and me on the other side of the coin who is scared and inexperienced and cares waaayyy too much.
It's wierd, I'm writing this stuff as if I'm in one of my depressive moods but at the moment I am fine. I am just mellow and just a bit tired *yawns*. I have too much work and too little time. Dammit.
I lead a vicarious life.
I have read and heard so much and done and experienced so little.
Then there is Storm, my role play character and alter-ego, who has lived a life where she has seen & done everything risky and not given a shit and me on the other side of the coin who is scared and inexperienced and cares waaayyy too much.
It's wierd, I'm writing this stuff as if I'm in one of my depressive moods but at the moment I am fine. I am just mellow and just a bit tired *yawns*. I have too much work and too little time. Dammit.
I have read and heard so much and done and experienced so little.
Then there is Storm, my role play character and alter-ego, who has lived a life where she has seen & done everything risky and not given a shit and me on the other side of the coin who is scared and inexperienced and cares waaayyy too much.
It's wierd, I'm writing this stuff as if I'm in one of my depressive moods but at the moment I am fine. I am just mellow and just a bit tired *yawns*. I have too much work and too little time. Dammit.