Mountains out of molehills

[gemfyre]

Man the guy who invented showers is a fucking genius. Sure, I like to get a little sweaty and dirty, but perhaps only because it increases the pleasure of sloughing it all off at the end of the day and feeling human again.

More pseudo-deep frustrated skewed thoughts from me. I'm trying to get people to understand. I don't need a diagnosis, I just need a hand here.

Last night. Walking from the car to the door at Matt's place. I was walking beside Matt and Kitty was on the other side. But after a few steps I find myself being steered toward the garden and being forced to walk behind while they walked side by side. And I thought again, why I am always the one pushed back, left behind, made to follow?? Why can't I walk beside and be equal dammit?? I'm sure no-one else saw it that way but in my eyes in my world it seems to happen over and over and I don't know if it's a conspiracy against me or just my skewed view and how do I stop myself seeing it like that? Or should people just think and go "hey, why is she tagging along? Come walk beside me, not behind me, I'll make some space for you."

I REALLY REALLY had a GREAT birthday (the actual day, last Saturday), it was one of the darn nicest days I've had in ages.

Expect more stuff like this as I think of it and try and sort out this mess that is my brain.

Comments

[shrika.livejournal.com]

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Walk beside me and be my friend."

Albert Camus

[ant8472.livejournal.com]

You are probably not welcoming of comments from me seeing you took me off your friends list but this entry actually touched a nerve in me because I can relate having grown up with a lot less confidence than I have now. Often as a schoolkid I felt 'left out' or inferior to my peers, always giving others the honours, always putting others ahead of myself.

Often, I followed behind, wondering the same things. Where do I fit in the conversation, why am I always left behind, why do others make the plans, why am I not involved, am I just tagging along?

It took me about, oh say, 27 years to realize that people didn't walk ahead of me, I sub-consciously let myself fall behind. I mean this metaphorically, but I also mean it literally too.

Confidence and lack thereof is a self fulfilling prophecy.

So step up and be confident even when you don't feel it. It will follow you.

[sassamifrass.livejournal.com]

Mmm, I agree! Push forward! =D If people squeeze up there's always room on the path =) (Okay, it might end up b tripping everyone over, but that's fun too ;D)

Yeah - it does feel bad when it hpapens, but most of the time people aren't doing it on purpose, and all you need to do is keep confident... and you have every reason to be confident Beej, you're a very fun individual to be around and I admire the values you hold in the face of what you might have experienced of the world. That's strength.

sassa

[ant8472.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, sometimes, you just gotta push in huh? There are alot of over confident people out there that aren't afraid to take the scoop and step over the self-doubters. People don't make room for under-confidence and self-doubts. I've learnt in my life that very few times do people ever cater to my insecurities.

Those of us who grew up with a little less confidence get left behind until one day it hits us "I am my own worst enemy, I created the outcomes in my life, I let myself fall behind, I let people walk all over me"

People like confident people, and they very rarely have much pity for the self-pitied, unless they truly understand, as I can understand Gemfyre's predicament from my own past. A measure of selfishness can actually be rewarding and people respect you more. I don't mean the extreme level where one simply takes and takes, but a moderate well balanced amount. People have as little respect for those who are unconfident and selfless as they are for those who are over-confident and selfish.

Self pity never got me anywhere, and people never rescued me from my own debilitating lack of confidence. That sweeping saviour arm from an angel never came to pick me up. It reached a point where I just realized that if I didn't change how I view things, and develop some healthy self love I was going to find myelf looking back on my life in regret. There are no rewards for self-pity. None. So one, day I just walked away from it and MADE myself feel confident, each day affirming my worth. It followed me. :)

So Gemfyre, step up and be confident. You'll see a bounty of rewards you never dreamed of. People will respect you even more.