![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Sep. 17th, 2002
Oh gawd now what, I just spilled my heart out and LJ ate it!!! *cries*
Okay, I will try again. *shakes*
Oh god it was so long, how am i gonna rewrite it??
Where do I start?
I once was a terrible loner. I occaisionally went out with my buddies but I was never really close to anyone. When Matt came along finally everything was perfect in the world and I had someone. I was delighted to have someone to look after me, someone to go out with, someone to love. But I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped because I had done the same to Matt. But pedestals are no good. They are shaky and will topple after too long. I fell into a cycle of dependence and did nothing but crush and smother, which I knew was not good but I couldn't help it... Christ I had this all written well and a stupid computer destroys it all *screams in frustration*.
I hope this break - whatever that entails helps and things will get better and maybe brilliant again. I hope I can find someone else to have fun with. I hope I can manage to be comfortable around others. I miss the kisses and hugs and intamacy already. I hope it doesn't kill me trying to improve.
I hate trying things and taking risks because every mistake I've made has just resulted in a mental slap in the face rather than a live and learn. I hope I can just shake my head, get over it and try again maybe soon even succeed.
Gee, this new version is even more disjointed than my eaten post.
I was thinking and we do have stuff in common. We appreciate good food, we love travelling, we like good music and some of the same movies. We also have our extreme differences but heck, things are boring if you're twins. We just desperately need to balance out and compromise.
A "cheque for the car" came in the mail yesterday. I can only assume it's insurance. So a new car is on the way and that's my first step to freedom. Next is computer and house. I must tell mum about about my plans and be firm and not be forced into doing stuff that will just make me miserable because I want to keep my parents happy. I am almost 23 and I NEED my own life. Also must ring Centerlink and not hang up until I have answers.
I hope I can enjoy my birthday and summer when they come around. I hope maybe things will be better by then.
It's kind of tearing my heart out to see happy couples at the moment but it also makes me hope that we can get better and be more happy than they ever will be. I think we need each other, but we need to balance. I'm too smothering and often you're too distant and we just need to fix this. I don't know how but it has to happen.
Hrm, I probably haven't written all I did before and I am now utterly seething at LJ for being insensitive and wasting my time. But then again, it is just a stupid computer. I will copy this to the clipboard first then post and if it gets eaten I can just paste it back.
Okay, I will try again. *shakes*
Oh god it was so long, how am i gonna rewrite it??
Where do I start?
I once was a terrible loner. I occaisionally went out with my buddies but I was never really close to anyone. When Matt came along finally everything was perfect in the world and I had someone. I was delighted to have someone to look after me, someone to go out with, someone to love. But I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped because I had done the same to Matt. But pedestals are no good. They are shaky and will topple after too long. I fell into a cycle of dependence and did nothing but crush and smother, which I knew was not good but I couldn't help it... Christ I had this all written well and a stupid computer destroys it all *screams in frustration*.
I hope this break - whatever that entails helps and things will get better and maybe brilliant again. I hope I can find someone else to have fun with. I hope I can manage to be comfortable around others. I miss the kisses and hugs and intamacy already. I hope it doesn't kill me trying to improve.
I hate trying things and taking risks because every mistake I've made has just resulted in a mental slap in the face rather than a live and learn. I hope I can just shake my head, get over it and try again maybe soon even succeed.
Gee, this new version is even more disjointed than my eaten post.
I was thinking and we do have stuff in common. We appreciate good food, we love travelling, we like good music and some of the same movies. We also have our extreme differences but heck, things are boring if you're twins. We just desperately need to balance out and compromise.
A "cheque for the car" came in the mail yesterday. I can only assume it's insurance. So a new car is on the way and that's my first step to freedom. Next is computer and house. I must tell mum about about my plans and be firm and not be forced into doing stuff that will just make me miserable because I want to keep my parents happy. I am almost 23 and I NEED my own life. Also must ring Centerlink and not hang up until I have answers.
I hope I can enjoy my birthday and summer when they come around. I hope maybe things will be better by then.
It's kind of tearing my heart out to see happy couples at the moment but it also makes me hope that we can get better and be more happy than they ever will be. I think we need each other, but we need to balance. I'm too smothering and often you're too distant and we just need to fix this. I don't know how but it has to happen.
Hrm, I probably haven't written all I did before and I am now utterly seething at LJ for being insensitive and wasting my time. But then again, it is just a stupid computer. I will copy this to the clipboard first then post and if it gets eaten I can just paste it back.
Oh gawd now what, I just spilled my heart out and LJ ate it!!! *cries*
Okay, I will try again. *shakes*
Oh god it was so long, how am i gonna rewrite it??
Where do I start?
I once was a terrible loner. I occaisionally went out with my buddies but I was never really close to anyone. When Matt came along finally everything was perfect in the world and I had someone. I was delighted to have someone to look after me, someone to go out with, someone to love. But I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped because I had done the same to Matt. But pedestals are no good. They are shaky and will topple after too long. I fell into a cycle of dependence and did nothing but crush and smother, which I knew was not good but I couldn't help it... Christ I had this all written well and a stupid computer destroys it all *screams in frustration*.
I hope this break - whatever that entails helps and things will get better and maybe brilliant again. I hope I can find someone else to have fun with. I hope I can manage to be comfortable around others. I miss the kisses and hugs and intamacy already. I hope it doesn't kill me trying to improve.
I hate trying things and taking risks because every mistake I've made has just resulted in a mental slap in the face rather than a live and learn. I hope I can just shake my head, get over it and try again maybe soon even succeed.
Gee, this new version is even more disjointed than my eaten post.
I was thinking and we do have stuff in common. We appreciate good food, we love travelling, we like good music and some of the same movies. We also have our extreme differences but heck, things are boring if you're twins. We just desperately need to balance out and compromise.
A "cheque for the car" came in the mail yesterday. I can only assume it's insurance. So a new car is on the way and that's my first step to freedom. Next is computer and house. I must tell mum about about my plans and be firm and not be forced into doing stuff that will just make me miserable because I want to keep my parents happy. I am almost 23 and I NEED my own life. Also must ring Centerlink and not hang up until I have answers.
I hope I can enjoy my birthday and summer when they come around. I hope maybe things will be better by then.
It's kind of tearing my heart out to see happy couples at the moment but it also makes me hope that we can get better and be more happy than they ever will be. I think we need each other, but we need to balance. I'm too smothering and often you're too distant and we just need to fix this. I don't know how but it has to happen.
Hrm, I probably haven't written all I did before and I am now utterly seething at LJ for being insensitive and wasting my time. But then again, it is just a stupid computer. I will copy this to the clipboard first then post and if it gets eaten I can just paste it back.
Okay, I will try again. *shakes*
Oh god it was so long, how am i gonna rewrite it??
Where do I start?
I once was a terrible loner. I occaisionally went out with my buddies but I was never really close to anyone. When Matt came along finally everything was perfect in the world and I had someone. I was delighted to have someone to look after me, someone to go out with, someone to love. But I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped because I had done the same to Matt. But pedestals are no good. They are shaky and will topple after too long. I fell into a cycle of dependence and did nothing but crush and smother, which I knew was not good but I couldn't help it... Christ I had this all written well and a stupid computer destroys it all *screams in frustration*.
I hope this break - whatever that entails helps and things will get better and maybe brilliant again. I hope I can find someone else to have fun with. I hope I can manage to be comfortable around others. I miss the kisses and hugs and intamacy already. I hope it doesn't kill me trying to improve.
I hate trying things and taking risks because every mistake I've made has just resulted in a mental slap in the face rather than a live and learn. I hope I can just shake my head, get over it and try again maybe soon even succeed.
Gee, this new version is even more disjointed than my eaten post.
I was thinking and we do have stuff in common. We appreciate good food, we love travelling, we like good music and some of the same movies. We also have our extreme differences but heck, things are boring if you're twins. We just desperately need to balance out and compromise.
A "cheque for the car" came in the mail yesterday. I can only assume it's insurance. So a new car is on the way and that's my first step to freedom. Next is computer and house. I must tell mum about about my plans and be firm and not be forced into doing stuff that will just make me miserable because I want to keep my parents happy. I am almost 23 and I NEED my own life. Also must ring Centerlink and not hang up until I have answers.
I hope I can enjoy my birthday and summer when they come around. I hope maybe things will be better by then.
It's kind of tearing my heart out to see happy couples at the moment but it also makes me hope that we can get better and be more happy than they ever will be. I think we need each other, but we need to balance. I'm too smothering and often you're too distant and we just need to fix this. I don't know how but it has to happen.
Hrm, I probably haven't written all I did before and I am now utterly seething at LJ for being insensitive and wasting my time. But then again, it is just a stupid computer. I will copy this to the clipboard first then post and if it gets eaten I can just paste it back.
Have I been through the gamut of emotions today.
At the moment I am feeling pretty okay, tho always at the background there's this worry on top I am happy.
I went through the swap box and found much to my delight that I was able to swap pretty fairly for everything I wanted in it. I also dressed some ponies in groovy ponywear and that made me calm and happy. I'm now a bit more motivated to update my trade list and repost it and start going for the 500-by-the-end-of-the-year goal again. I lost the alt. Moonstone this morning, bummer. It went for just over $16 and my max was $15. *shrug*, I save $15. Would have been awesome to win it for $5.50 but I really doubted that would happen. I believe I have been outbid on everything I have recently bid on now.
I'm still not quite sure what I should be doing, cuz I sometimes want to do certain things and I'm worried they could jeopardise things. But I hope I'm doing okay. Tomorrow I intend to make a big dent in that darn lab report. I was going to start it today in my break but LJ goings on took all my time.
Tonight I intend to tell mum my desires to move out and withdraw from EPAL. Hopefully she'll deal with it okay.
At the moment I am feeling pretty okay, tho always at the background there's this worry on top I am happy.
I went through the swap box and found much to my delight that I was able to swap pretty fairly for everything I wanted in it. I also dressed some ponies in groovy ponywear and that made me calm and happy. I'm now a bit more motivated to update my trade list and repost it and start going for the 500-by-the-end-of-the-year goal again. I lost the alt. Moonstone this morning, bummer. It went for just over $16 and my max was $15. *shrug*, I save $15. Would have been awesome to win it for $5.50 but I really doubted that would happen. I believe I have been outbid on everything I have recently bid on now.
I'm still not quite sure what I should be doing, cuz I sometimes want to do certain things and I'm worried they could jeopardise things. But I hope I'm doing okay. Tomorrow I intend to make a big dent in that darn lab report. I was going to start it today in my break but LJ goings on took all my time.
Tonight I intend to tell mum my desires to move out and withdraw from EPAL. Hopefully she'll deal with it okay.
Have I been through the gamut of emotions today.
At the moment I am feeling pretty okay, tho always at the background there's this worry on top I am happy.
I went through the swap box and found much to my delight that I was able to swap pretty fairly for everything I wanted in it. I also dressed some ponies in groovy ponywear and that made me calm and happy. I'm now a bit more motivated to update my trade list and repost it and start going for the 500-by-the-end-of-the-year goal again. I lost the alt. Moonstone this morning, bummer. It went for just over $16 and my max was $15. *shrug*, I save $15. Would have been awesome to win it for $5.50 but I really doubted that would happen. I believe I have been outbid on everything I have recently bid on now.
I'm still not quite sure what I should be doing, cuz I sometimes want to do certain things and I'm worried they could jeopardise things. But I hope I'm doing okay. Tomorrow I intend to make a big dent in that darn lab report. I was going to start it today in my break but LJ goings on took all my time.
Tonight I intend to tell mum my desires to move out and withdraw from EPAL. Hopefully she'll deal with it okay.
At the moment I am feeling pretty okay, tho always at the background there's this worry on top I am happy.
I went through the swap box and found much to my delight that I was able to swap pretty fairly for everything I wanted in it. I also dressed some ponies in groovy ponywear and that made me calm and happy. I'm now a bit more motivated to update my trade list and repost it and start going for the 500-by-the-end-of-the-year goal again. I lost the alt. Moonstone this morning, bummer. It went for just over $16 and my max was $15. *shrug*, I save $15. Would have been awesome to win it for $5.50 but I really doubted that would happen. I believe I have been outbid on everything I have recently bid on now.
I'm still not quite sure what I should be doing, cuz I sometimes want to do certain things and I'm worried they could jeopardise things. But I hope I'm doing okay. Tomorrow I intend to make a big dent in that darn lab report. I was going to start it today in my break but LJ goings on took all my time.
Tonight I intend to tell mum my desires to move out and withdraw from EPAL. Hopefully she'll deal with it okay.
I'm going to change those frog icons, they're just not... me.
And we dissected cane toads today. Carefully prising the sciatic nerve from the leg then doing stuff to it. Well, we were meant to stick currents through it or something and see what happens or something. But damned if we could figure out the stupid computer which seemed only slightly newer than a C64. Needless to day we didn't get much done at all.
And we dissected cane toads today. Carefully prising the sciatic nerve from the leg then doing stuff to it. Well, we were meant to stick currents through it or something and see what happens or something. But damned if we could figure out the stupid computer which seemed only slightly newer than a C64. Needless to day we didn't get much done at all.
I'm going to change those frog icons, they're just not... me.
And we dissected cane toads today. Carefully prising the sciatic nerve from the leg then doing stuff to it. Well, we were meant to stick currents through it or something and see what happens or something. But damned if we could figure out the stupid computer which seemed only slightly newer than a C64. Needless to day we didn't get much done at all.
And we dissected cane toads today. Carefully prising the sciatic nerve from the leg then doing stuff to it. Well, we were meant to stick currents through it or something and see what happens or something. But damned if we could figure out the stupid computer which seemed only slightly newer than a C64. Needless to day we didn't get much done at all.
