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gemfyreHopefully they can help me kick this damn cold by Tuesday, and if I'm lucky the weather will pick up too and we can have a grand time at Adventure World. I'm looking forward to it an unusual amount.
I'm feeling a bit better now. In all aspects. It'll be hard not to do those things that just come natural when you're a couple. And I guess I'll still feel like I'm copping a minor blow every time I have to admonished for doing something that I don't even realise I'm doing. We need each other, and if - at least for now - it can't be as lovers then at least we're still best of friends, which is better than hating each other's guts. Yeah, there probably are people out there that do alot more things that I like than Matt. And possibly I will fall in love with one eventually. But if he wants me back anytime before that I'm right back there. And if he does after it happens if it does?? I don't know. I have nothing against polygamy if all parties are perfectly okay with it. But that doesn't happen, there's always jealousy. And I hope he doesn't feel that just because we aren't twins that he's not worthy of me and that I deserve better. Goddamn he is worthy of me. I love him, I always will. Gee, that lump in the throat is back, dammit.
I just hope in the end we can all get ourselves untangled and end up happy, whatever that may entail. I'm kinda scared of it, scared everything will be tainted by memories and guilt.
I'm feeling a bit better now. In all aspects. It'll be hard not to do those things that just come natural when you're a couple. And I guess I'll still feel like I'm copping a minor blow every time I have to admonished for doing something that I don't even realise I'm doing. We need each other, and if - at least for now - it can't be as lovers then at least we're still best of friends, which is better than hating each other's guts. Yeah, there probably are people out there that do alot more things that I like than Matt. And possibly I will fall in love with one eventually. But if he wants me back anytime before that I'm right back there. And if he does after it happens if it does?? I don't know. I have nothing against polygamy if all parties are perfectly okay with it. But that doesn't happen, there's always jealousy. And I hope he doesn't feel that just because we aren't twins that he's not worthy of me and that I deserve better. Goddamn he is worthy of me. I love him, I always will. Gee, that lump in the throat is back, dammit.
I just hope in the end we can all get ourselves untangled and end up happy, whatever that may entail. I'm kinda scared of it, scared everything will be tainted by memories and guilt.
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sassa
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Date: 2002-12-01 06:36 am (UTC)*hugs & assorted positive vibes*
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Date: 2002-12-01 12:12 pm (UTC)*thinks for a second...big hug*
Just remember that if you can keep that friendship alive, it will make you both stronger in the long run, whether you get back together or not as a couple. Jay always reminds me that he'll be the one who all future boyfriends have to be screened by and vice versa..
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Date: 2002-12-01 05:03 pm (UTC)i dont know what to say bj, anything i could say sounds so trite
so just hugs