Here's your free therapy BJ
Mar. 1st, 2025 07:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gemfyreI wish we could just all read minds. Then I wouldn't have to keep trying - and failing - to effectively express myself.
Do you even KNOW how many times I went over that phrase in the shower, perfecting it for a Facebook post that I may or may not post now and then be accused of Vaguebooking and once again failing to effectively express myself.
Watching videos of a 23 year old autistic woman going over all the way her autism manifests as an undiagnosed 45 year old woman and I feel like something is trying to yank my heart out of my chest and oh dear I'm crying.
I remember, being 5 or 6 and hiding from bullies in the toilets in school and making "woooo" ghost noises to try and scare them away, and a teacher coming in and demanding who was making the noise and when I came out making me stand in a corner all lunch time because _I_ was the one who had been naughty.
I remember eating almond Magnums in the carpark at Lake Cave, so vividly I can taste it and feel the texture of the slivered almonds in the chocolate and the smooth vanilla ice cream.
I only had 2 Charmkins, but seeing a post about them on Facebook just lit memories in my brain.
I remember one time sleeping over at my cousins and waking up wanting my mum and being utterly inconsolable to the point my aunt ended up calling my mum to come pick me up, it was about a 40 minute drive. I had stayed over many times before (and did afterwards) with no problems.
When I had to give a speech why I wanted to be on student council when I DIDN'T want to be on student council, just all of the students had to do the speech for some reason. When I had to do another pretend goddamn job interview for Centerstink's Jobsearch Training, when my first boyfriend expressed that he "wanted a break", and my clingy, immature, misunderstanding self couldn't (wouldn't?) talk for a few hours...
Those were panic attacks.
I remember playing on a canvas on the lawn out the back of our house in Lockridge. Colouring with my new set of Crayola crayons. Setting up my My Little Ponies. Having a polysterene container filled with sand and I'd put my little plastic animals and trees in there with a jar lid with water in it for a waterhole and make a scene. Or when the pool had a cover over it in winter I'd play with the little plastic animals THERE and it was like a flooded savannah or something, and one time I lost one down a hole in the cover, but it was just before we were about to move house and there were no plans to uncover the pool before then and I wasn't allowed to retreive it. I think it was a green plastic Diplodocus but I was immensely distressed over it. I lost many other small plastic animals in various sand piles out front of the house in elaborate tunnels dug, but I don't think they bothered me so much.
I remember riding Bounty's Revenge for the first time after finally being cajoled into it by my younger cousin and it made my butt tingle but I LOVED it and we rode it many more times that day, and I rode it many, many more times over the years, and I from then I loved thrill rides.
I think I need to sleep now.
Do you even KNOW how many times I went over that phrase in the shower, perfecting it for a Facebook post that I may or may not post now and then be accused of Vaguebooking and once again failing to effectively express myself.
Watching videos of a 23 year old autistic woman going over all the way her autism manifests as an undiagnosed 45 year old woman and I feel like something is trying to yank my heart out of my chest and oh dear I'm crying.
I remember, being 5 or 6 and hiding from bullies in the toilets in school and making "woooo" ghost noises to try and scare them away, and a teacher coming in and demanding who was making the noise and when I came out making me stand in a corner all lunch time because _I_ was the one who had been naughty.
I remember eating almond Magnums in the carpark at Lake Cave, so vividly I can taste it and feel the texture of the slivered almonds in the chocolate and the smooth vanilla ice cream.
I only had 2 Charmkins, but seeing a post about them on Facebook just lit memories in my brain.
I remember one time sleeping over at my cousins and waking up wanting my mum and being utterly inconsolable to the point my aunt ended up calling my mum to come pick me up, it was about a 40 minute drive. I had stayed over many times before (and did afterwards) with no problems.
When I had to give a speech why I wanted to be on student council when I DIDN'T want to be on student council, just all of the students had to do the speech for some reason. When I had to do another pretend goddamn job interview for Centerstink's Jobsearch Training, when my first boyfriend expressed that he "wanted a break", and my clingy, immature, misunderstanding self couldn't (wouldn't?) talk for a few hours...
Those were panic attacks.
I remember playing on a canvas on the lawn out the back of our house in Lockridge. Colouring with my new set of Crayola crayons. Setting up my My Little Ponies. Having a polysterene container filled with sand and I'd put my little plastic animals and trees in there with a jar lid with water in it for a waterhole and make a scene. Or when the pool had a cover over it in winter I'd play with the little plastic animals THERE and it was like a flooded savannah or something, and one time I lost one down a hole in the cover, but it was just before we were about to move house and there were no plans to uncover the pool before then and I wasn't allowed to retreive it. I think it was a green plastic Diplodocus but I was immensely distressed over it. I lost many other small plastic animals in various sand piles out front of the house in elaborate tunnels dug, but I don't think they bothered me so much.
I remember riding Bounty's Revenge for the first time after finally being cajoled into it by my younger cousin and it made my butt tingle but I LOVED it and we rode it many more times that day, and I rode it many, many more times over the years, and I from then I loved thrill rides.
I think I need to sleep now.
