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May. 18th, 2003 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gemfyreI think I'm subtle all the time because if I'm subtle and get rejected then it's like "oh, I was too subtle, they didn't understand."
If I'm direct and I get rejected, I have nothing to soften the blow of the fact that I'm just not wanted, I'm terrified of that, it rips me to shreds...
I have no problem with my self-esteem. It's self-confidence I lack. But it's really hard to develop any self-confidence when you keep getting put down.
I remember always being told that I failed at something because I never put in enough effort and that bugged me to the core because goddamn, I did put in the effort, I just can't control other people, I can't make them do what I or anyone else wants, so therefore I fail.
I don't put effort in - I fail.
I do put effory in - I still fail.
Really motivational eh?
And it's so lovely when people just walk away. It's great to know you don't want to put effort in either, even though everyone else seems to succeed on occaision. I guess I'm not worth the bother...
I think I'll go retreat to the darkness of my own fucked up thoughts again now.
Maybe one day, because for some stupid reason I do keep trying. I will end up winning, I will be the one calling the shots.
Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.
If I'm direct and I get rejected, I have nothing to soften the blow of the fact that I'm just not wanted, I'm terrified of that, it rips me to shreds...
I have no problem with my self-esteem. It's self-confidence I lack. But it's really hard to develop any self-confidence when you keep getting put down.
I remember always being told that I failed at something because I never put in enough effort and that bugged me to the core because goddamn, I did put in the effort, I just can't control other people, I can't make them do what I or anyone else wants, so therefore I fail.
I don't put effort in - I fail.
I do put effory in - I still fail.
Really motivational eh?
And it's so lovely when people just walk away. It's great to know you don't want to put effort in either, even though everyone else seems to succeed on occaision. I guess I'm not worth the bother...
I think I'll go retreat to the darkness of my own fucked up thoughts again now.
Maybe one day, because for some stupid reason I do keep trying. I will end up winning, I will be the one calling the shots.
Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.
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Date: 2003-05-18 01:04 am (UTC)> If I'm direct and I get rejected, I have nothing to soften the blow of the fact that I'm just not wanted, I'm terrified of that, it rips me to shreds...
Ooh, yes exactly. It's much easier to handle rejection if you can convince yourself you didn't really care about being accepted. I do it all the time.
And effort is so hard. I don't think I put effort into anything... with schoolwork, I never had to, so I forgot how. Now I'm really surprised when I pass things because I do the *absolute* minimum most of the time. And I know I could completely stun people and ace everything if I tried, but I forgot how to try. Damn, that's sad.
*hugs cos it sucks to be depressed*
Eat some chocolate, that always helps me. Bugger the kilos. ;)