gemfyre | The mental battle begins

So, I'm out of the brace.

But...

I can barely move my leg without it. So I've kept and am currently on the bed with the knee bent as far as I can, which isn't far. Any further feels bloody weird and borders on pain. If I need to get up, the brace needs to go back on.

I'm seeing a physio on Tuesday. Doctor is ringing back tomorrow with more info, he seemed kinda stupid.

First he poked and pressed at my kneecaps, causing me to tense up. He told me to relax, I told him that that kinda pushing puts it out and I don't want it out thank you very much. He commented that I had a strong "anxiety response". He also seemed to assume that once the brace was off I could just get up and walk out of there. He told me to lift my leg, I just laughed. He seemed surprised at the lack of muscle tone/strength. Maybe he should try being in a brace for a month and a bit and see how his leg goes. My legs are wasted and my knee is still slightly swollen.

Then of course, there's the mental toll. I am in perpetual fear of putting it (or my other knee) out again. I gingerly make my way across our treacherous bathroom floor because I'm afraid of slipping on a drop of water. I get nervous whenever I whack my good leg on something. I just think, "What if it happens again!? What if I can never walk? What if it just keeps happening?"

I need to try not to worry so much so I can be brave enough to start moving my leg and getting the strength back, but it all feels so vulnerable.

I hope a patellar stabiliser brace helps, hopefully I'll get one of them on Tuesday. I would be nice to walk/hobble without crutches.