An explanation
Dec. 8th, 2002 06:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gemfyreThe last week in my LJ has been pretty nasty. From Friday to Wednesday I felt pretty much like a piece of shit. But now things are a better and I feel up to explaining what's going on (now I also understand it a little more).
You may or may not know that a few months ago Matt and I took a "break". Well at least that was the intention. He reckons things have been going downhill for a couple of years. I definetly think it started getting very shaky around midyear, but there were always niggly things all the time tho (to me this was normal, hey, no couple is perfect).
Anyway, the previous "break" didn't really happen due to rumours and interference from other people and the fact that neither of us was really clear on boundaries and what constituted a break.
I honestly felt things were improving though. Well, according to Matt they weren't. Last Friday the bombshell dropped. BECAUSE it was so damn surprising and because I am a bloody whiny, clingy, jealous little so and so alot of the time (half the problem), I had a very bad time until Thursday. Party on Wednesday I was a right bitch at times. I just felt sick in my stomach and like some claw was trying to rip my heart out of my chest.
By Friday however I was feeling "lighter" (I don't know what I mean by that but that's how I feel). I had a great time in karaoke, better than usual, by the time it was midnight I was still ready to sing more and couldn't believe the night had ended. Usually towards the end of karaoke I'm tired and can't sing anymore and just want to leave.
Anyways, this time the boundaries are alot clearer set (although we already have strayed *sigh and smile all at the same time*). The basics are I need to become my own person more. I don't really have any good friends of my own. I wanted to go everywhere with Matt and didn't want to go somewhere if he wasn't going and he doesn't like this, which I knew and he also hates the fact that I get jealous and upset when he's off doing something without me (distance plays a small part in this, but not all of it.) I need people I can do stuff with without him around too. I am a bit too romantic I think. Wanting to share every moment and feeling we should do everything together and stuff. I can understand that's enough to drive anyone crazy. And it pisses me off no end too when I become a whiny jealous bitch and make it bad for everyone, kinda the "If I can't have fun then none of you will." selfish kinda mentality.
So at parties I'm now on my own. Guess there's nothing like learning how to do something by being forced to do it. I just don't have his charisma and can't make good buddies at the drop of a hat like he does. I just feel a bit uncomfortable and intrusive, and maybe I should stop that and risk pissing off more people.
I need to find people I can rabbit onto about animals and biology and ponies and the stuff I'm into. Because Matt isn't the least interested in any of that. I think I need to get over my phone phobia and dammit, other people hafta get over there distance phobia!! I'm not _that_ far away. Geez you'd think I was in Siberia the way they carry on sometimes... *sigh*.
I should find somewhere to do dancing again. I like dancing and Matt won't/can't do it. Maybe there I'd find some friends because at the moment we both have the same circle of friends - a side effect of me being too clingy, and whenever Matt's around he gets to all the people first!
I also need to try and phase out this jealousy/feeling terribly left out thing. Every time I hear he's going off to do something I get this nasty pang and inevitably act like an asshole about it. I guess it's not a point of making HIM jealous it's a point of me stopping being jealous.
Hopefully we can improve and work it out and be what we were again but better. I think next time I wanna be totally sure as well, cuz I sure as heck don't want ANOTHER bombshell like I got last Friday, that is the worst feeling in the world.
You may or may not know that a few months ago Matt and I took a "break". Well at least that was the intention. He reckons things have been going downhill for a couple of years. I definetly think it started getting very shaky around midyear, but there were always niggly things all the time tho (to me this was normal, hey, no couple is perfect).
Anyway, the previous "break" didn't really happen due to rumours and interference from other people and the fact that neither of us was really clear on boundaries and what constituted a break.
I honestly felt things were improving though. Well, according to Matt they weren't. Last Friday the bombshell dropped. BECAUSE it was so damn surprising and because I am a bloody whiny, clingy, jealous little so and so alot of the time (half the problem), I had a very bad time until Thursday. Party on Wednesday I was a right bitch at times. I just felt sick in my stomach and like some claw was trying to rip my heart out of my chest.
By Friday however I was feeling "lighter" (I don't know what I mean by that but that's how I feel). I had a great time in karaoke, better than usual, by the time it was midnight I was still ready to sing more and couldn't believe the night had ended. Usually towards the end of karaoke I'm tired and can't sing anymore and just want to leave.
Anyways, this time the boundaries are alot clearer set (although we already have strayed *sigh and smile all at the same time*). The basics are I need to become my own person more. I don't really have any good friends of my own. I wanted to go everywhere with Matt and didn't want to go somewhere if he wasn't going and he doesn't like this, which I knew and he also hates the fact that I get jealous and upset when he's off doing something without me (distance plays a small part in this, but not all of it.) I need people I can do stuff with without him around too. I am a bit too romantic I think. Wanting to share every moment and feeling we should do everything together and stuff. I can understand that's enough to drive anyone crazy. And it pisses me off no end too when I become a whiny jealous bitch and make it bad for everyone, kinda the "If I can't have fun then none of you will." selfish kinda mentality.
So at parties I'm now on my own. Guess there's nothing like learning how to do something by being forced to do it. I just don't have his charisma and can't make good buddies at the drop of a hat like he does. I just feel a bit uncomfortable and intrusive, and maybe I should stop that and risk pissing off more people.
I need to find people I can rabbit onto about animals and biology and ponies and the stuff I'm into. Because Matt isn't the least interested in any of that. I think I need to get over my phone phobia and dammit, other people hafta get over there distance phobia!! I'm not _that_ far away. Geez you'd think I was in Siberia the way they carry on sometimes... *sigh*.
I should find somewhere to do dancing again. I like dancing and Matt won't/can't do it. Maybe there I'd find some friends because at the moment we both have the same circle of friends - a side effect of me being too clingy, and whenever Matt's around he gets to all the people first!
I also need to try and phase out this jealousy/feeling terribly left out thing. Every time I hear he's going off to do something I get this nasty pang and inevitably act like an asshole about it. I guess it's not a point of making HIM jealous it's a point of me stopping being jealous.
Hopefully we can improve and work it out and be what we were again but better. I think next time I wanna be totally sure as well, cuz I sure as heck don't want ANOTHER bombshell like I got last Friday, that is the worst feeling in the world.
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no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 03:36 am (UTC)Take care
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 03:42 am (UTC)Prior to today all i could do was speculate what was going on and now i'm glad to know the truth. It's nice to see you have the strength to speak out as i remember a time where i was too clingy to a friend of my own. I can say however i have got the treasure at the end of the rainbow so don't give up hope.
*hug*
PS. How far do you live away? (Richard has no perception of distance)
Re:
Date: 2002-12-08 03:47 am (UTC)In Greenmount, get to Midland on Great Eastern Highway, and head east for another 5 - 10 minutes.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 08:26 am (UTC)I dont promise ill reply coherently, but i will listen.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 07:28 pm (UTC)I'm just not really that interested so don't talk back about them.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 09:19 am (UTC)It's incredibly hard to get over the jealousy, but at least you've admited it and are working on it. Duke and I had that problem in the beginning of our relationship. I still get jealous of some things, but its allowed. Its a human emotion everyone feels at some point.
I found the hardest thing was to stop sabotaging myself with my negative thinking. I was always like "oh I bet he's going out to check out chicks" or " I bet he likes her better than me shes so pretty, and now their flirting..." and so on. Whenever I started to have these thoughts I would say to myself "stop it. He loves you. He's allowed to have friends who are girls". We also have the close knit group of friends. You just need to go out and do something you enjoy.
Its tough, but you can do it! :) hugs and if you need to talk feel free. :)
squeak@users.pagansunite.com
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 04:52 pm (UTC)and im always up for dancing:)
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Date: 2002-12-08 07:27 pm (UTC)I think i'll reply individually to ppls comments that i want to comment about. easier on my brain.
no subject
I'm just gunna have to start refusing invitations to things flat-out this month, I haven't had a chance to do anything I had planned 'coz of all these crazy people moving house, having birthdays, watching videos etc etc... *thwaps socialising people*