gemfyre | (no subject)

Apparently I got drunk last nyte. I had a few shotties, I like shotties, they taste nice. Then I started feeling queasy so I sat down. My brain started working overtime and getting paranoid as it does all too often, even when I'm sober. And my legs started shaking, I have no idea why because I WAS NOT COLD!! They were just shaking. It was really horrible last nyte, just how my mind is so screwed up and loves playing cruel tricks on me and turning me into a sobbing mess. It's all bad.

I don't get how people can figure losing control and doing stupid things and making themselves ill can be fun. I just... don't get people. I live so far away and I'm so isolated and I just can't seem to get close to anyone but Matt. I feel like I'm encroaching on them and pissing them off and I guess I care too much about their feelings that I completely forget my own and put myself lower on the list of importance. It's all some fucked up self-esteem/confidence thing and I don't know when everything started going screwy but I so wish I could find that brick wall in my brain and bash it down and be halfway NORMAL for a change. I guess spending your high school years as a near on recluse because you were afraid to do anything slightly rebellious because you were shit scared of getting in trouble has something to do with it. I just never learned how to be a social animal. Why couldn't I be like all the other kids and not be afraid of getting in trouble and just DO some of those stupid things that kids NEED to do. Instead I lived under a rock and look and how it ended up - I'm an utter nutcase.

I wish for maybe a week or something people could just read my mind or something and just make my dreams come true for a while. That would give me a chance to heal maybe. At the moment it's like trying to surface in a sea full of waves. I start reaching the top then another wave crashes on me and I sink under again and I never get anywhere. Someone throw me a life raft PLEASE!!!