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gemfyreI have to write this down. LJ is good for this.
I don't get what I want out of relationships and I don't have a best friend. There is a reason for this.
I never make the first move. Why? Somewhat because I feel like I'm intruding. I guess it's because I often feel this way myself. It's nothing personal, just me and I don't really want it to be me. I'd like to get more involved and have friends and networks like a 'normal' person is meant to have, but I take the Golden Rule a little too far. I hate it when someone starts smalltalk with me. To me it's inane and I often just find myself smiling and nodding and feeling uncomfortable and thinking if I contribute more it will be way too much for the other person because my response will not be cliched small talk. And because of that, I don't strike up small talk myself and in society it seems a pretty essential step to get any further in a relationship.
Other reason - I'm terrified of being rejected. Why? Sadly, because rejection is the result I often get. It gets disheartening and you become resigned to it. Why bother trying if all you'll get is a rejection? Why go to that effort just to be hurt? Yeah. I can't control other people. I resigned myself to that fact a few years ago.
I guess in that way I am disgustingly superficial and worry too much about what people think. I know some awesome people and I can't quite remember how we got to know each other like we do, but I get along well with these people and many I don't see often enough - why? Because I won't call them up and say, "Hey let's do this." because I'm feeling like I'm intruding and/or I think/know I'll be rejected. Bah.
I'm still getting used to this full time work thing. With Matt in his last semester too we barely see each other. I go to bed a few hours before he does and wake up before him usually. Our time together consists of eating dinner and watching TV/DVDs. Not very romantic/exciting. And I can't decide if I should start now to try and get us to fix things up, or if I should just wait it out until semester ends.
I have these great plans to do all these things. And when it comes to the time, more often than not I don't do them. There's a horrid apathy there that I don't like. It's finding time and motivation and being just as happy doing something alone because there's no-one that wants to share it with me. I'm always discovering that the fantasy of something always turns out to be better than the real thing, so I figure why not daydream my life away? It's preferable to reality. Anticipation is a great thing, but in the end things are always a disappointment, not as good as you imagined and over.
I think I'll have to start weaning myself off sleep. That's gotta be the only way I can do more. Instead of sleeping 11pm-7am I need a more midnight to 5am schedule to fit everything in, and be awake at the same times as everyone else. You can't sustain any relationships if you're sleeping when everyone else is up and partying. It's just a matter of getting over the crankiness, coldness and sickness that comes with lack of sleep for me. It seems to be one or the other - sleep less, or fuck up your relationships with people. *sigh*
Ah, and my weight. When I look in the mirror, I see an annoying double chin and a bit of a stomach and icky celluite on my thighs and butt. What I don't see is someone who is 30kg heavier than she was 8 years ago. I have no idea WHERE that 30kg is because I can't see it. Unless all that hip/butt/thigh fat is REALLY heavy. I don't see myself as that much larger. Sure I am a little - there's no denying that I'm now a 16 where I was once a 12. But I don't see it. I don't see a fat girl at all. Actually I fluctuate between the "big is beautiful" mentality to going "OMG that's disgusting, I want to look like *insert sexy, toned woman here*". I intend to purchase an exercise bike soon and pedal away whenever I'm watching TV. And I seem to be doing an unusual amount of that lately. Thing is, I think about the options. There is a lot of great food out there and I am often hungry (I wish I wasn't, but I can't deny being hungry, or I get cranky, maybe I need an appetite suppressant?), so I eat, simple. Eating is a social, cultural and fun activity. I count cooking/preparing food as part of the whole experience. Exercise on the other hand. Exercise ends me up tired out and often sore. When I think of the trade off exercise often comes off second best. I figure a few extra kilos is worth the lack of hunger and pain.
A few goals
Watch more Mythbusters - preferably with Matt
Make Broome scrapbook - this requires buying a printer, but in the meantime I can select the photos and do the write ups
Go out for lunch or dinner. Dinner is preferable, unless we go to Sizzler, where it can be either.
If you want to go out and birdwatch or shop or whatever, DON'T sit around thinking about it until it's too late, or talking yourself out of it. Goddamn just get in the car and DO IT. Gah.
I don't get what I want out of relationships and I don't have a best friend. There is a reason for this.
I never make the first move. Why? Somewhat because I feel like I'm intruding. I guess it's because I often feel this way myself. It's nothing personal, just me and I don't really want it to be me. I'd like to get more involved and have friends and networks like a 'normal' person is meant to have, but I take the Golden Rule a little too far. I hate it when someone starts smalltalk with me. To me it's inane and I often just find myself smiling and nodding and feeling uncomfortable and thinking if I contribute more it will be way too much for the other person because my response will not be cliched small talk. And because of that, I don't strike up small talk myself and in society it seems a pretty essential step to get any further in a relationship.
Other reason - I'm terrified of being rejected. Why? Sadly, because rejection is the result I often get. It gets disheartening and you become resigned to it. Why bother trying if all you'll get is a rejection? Why go to that effort just to be hurt? Yeah. I can't control other people. I resigned myself to that fact a few years ago.
I guess in that way I am disgustingly superficial and worry too much about what people think. I know some awesome people and I can't quite remember how we got to know each other like we do, but I get along well with these people and many I don't see often enough - why? Because I won't call them up and say, "Hey let's do this." because I'm feeling like I'm intruding and/or I think/know I'll be rejected. Bah.
I'm still getting used to this full time work thing. With Matt in his last semester too we barely see each other. I go to bed a few hours before he does and wake up before him usually. Our time together consists of eating dinner and watching TV/DVDs. Not very romantic/exciting. And I can't decide if I should start now to try and get us to fix things up, or if I should just wait it out until semester ends.
I have these great plans to do all these things. And when it comes to the time, more often than not I don't do them. There's a horrid apathy there that I don't like. It's finding time and motivation and being just as happy doing something alone because there's no-one that wants to share it with me. I'm always discovering that the fantasy of something always turns out to be better than the real thing, so I figure why not daydream my life away? It's preferable to reality. Anticipation is a great thing, but in the end things are always a disappointment, not as good as you imagined and over.
I think I'll have to start weaning myself off sleep. That's gotta be the only way I can do more. Instead of sleeping 11pm-7am I need a more midnight to 5am schedule to fit everything in, and be awake at the same times as everyone else. You can't sustain any relationships if you're sleeping when everyone else is up and partying. It's just a matter of getting over the crankiness, coldness and sickness that comes with lack of sleep for me. It seems to be one or the other - sleep less, or fuck up your relationships with people. *sigh*
Ah, and my weight. When I look in the mirror, I see an annoying double chin and a bit of a stomach and icky celluite on my thighs and butt. What I don't see is someone who is 30kg heavier than she was 8 years ago. I have no idea WHERE that 30kg is because I can't see it. Unless all that hip/butt/thigh fat is REALLY heavy. I don't see myself as that much larger. Sure I am a little - there's no denying that I'm now a 16 where I was once a 12. But I don't see it. I don't see a fat girl at all. Actually I fluctuate between the "big is beautiful" mentality to going "OMG that's disgusting, I want to look like *insert sexy, toned woman here*". I intend to purchase an exercise bike soon and pedal away whenever I'm watching TV. And I seem to be doing an unusual amount of that lately. Thing is, I think about the options. There is a lot of great food out there and I am often hungry (I wish I wasn't, but I can't deny being hungry, or I get cranky, maybe I need an appetite suppressant?), so I eat, simple. Eating is a social, cultural and fun activity. I count cooking/preparing food as part of the whole experience. Exercise on the other hand. Exercise ends me up tired out and often sore. When I think of the trade off exercise often comes off second best. I figure a few extra kilos is worth the lack of hunger and pain.
A few goals
Watch more Mythbusters - preferably with Matt
Make Broome scrapbook - this requires buying a printer, but in the meantime I can select the photos and do the write ups
Go out for lunch or dinner. Dinner is preferable, unless we go to Sizzler, where it can be either.
If you want to go out and birdwatch or shop or whatever, DON'T sit around thinking about it until it's too late, or talking yourself out of it. Goddamn just get in the car and DO IT. Gah.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 04:02 am (UTC):-(
I'm all mopey because any one I manage to get close to moves away, and it looked like babalon_93 was going to be moving away too, and I just wonder what's wrong with me for this to happen every bloody time? I have so many friends, and yet I'm lonely! But then it's just too hard to get out of the house! And some of my friends have a million children and now live an hour and twenty drive away, so when she does get a spare moment, can I fit in? I'm scared to ask, because I think I'm imposing! My house has never been cleaner, and all I can do is wander around moping? I've got an exercize bike, and I just ignore it and then eat more mudcake because I know I'm comfort eating and I JUST CAN'T STOP. Femmeconne is sooooo farrrrrrr awayyyyyyyy.
Maybe it's in the stars for this week, all these highly intelligent women I know having a down week over things that have always been there just not noticed. I don't know. Anyway, Dr Phil is on, and he always makes me smile.
;-)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 04:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 11:02 am (UTC)And after the one hour and forty minute drive home, and the crampy leg, and the miserable baby that came with today, it all just seems too hard.
I think we'll be doing the "meet in perth thing" more often.
:-)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 09:55 am (UTC)Hey, have we ever met? I know you travel in similar circles to me, and for a while I thought you were Kylie (Splanky), but obviously you are not. Who are you? Hehe, I know food porn brought us together. I have been watching lots of Jamie Oliver lately, that man should be XXX rated!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 10:59 am (UTC)No, I don't think we have met face to face, and yeah I noticed you around the perth LJ universe a bit too.
:-)
I love Jamie Oliver's food, and I am so glad his bloody accent starts to get less "spitty" as it goes on... I loved his italian adventure, all that delicious food!
Not just food porn though, I have been doing much research on menstrual options recently and have joined your mooncup group.
:-)