![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gemfyreOh gawd now what, I just spilled my heart out and LJ ate it!!! *cries*
Okay, I will try again. *shakes*
Oh god it was so long, how am i gonna rewrite it??
Where do I start?
I once was a terrible loner. I occaisionally went out with my buddies but I was never really close to anyone. When Matt came along finally everything was perfect in the world and I had someone. I was delighted to have someone to look after me, someone to go out with, someone to love. But I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped because I had done the same to Matt. But pedestals are no good. They are shaky and will topple after too long. I fell into a cycle of dependence and did nothing but crush and smother, which I knew was not good but I couldn't help it... Christ I had this all written well and a stupid computer destroys it all *screams in frustration*.
I hope this break - whatever that entails helps and things will get better and maybe brilliant again. I hope I can find someone else to have fun with. I hope I can manage to be comfortable around others. I miss the kisses and hugs and intamacy already. I hope it doesn't kill me trying to improve.
I hate trying things and taking risks because every mistake I've made has just resulted in a mental slap in the face rather than a live and learn. I hope I can just shake my head, get over it and try again maybe soon even succeed.
Gee, this new version is even more disjointed than my eaten post.
I was thinking and we do have stuff in common. We appreciate good food, we love travelling, we like good music and some of the same movies. We also have our extreme differences but heck, things are boring if you're twins. We just desperately need to balance out and compromise.
A "cheque for the car" came in the mail yesterday. I can only assume it's insurance. So a new car is on the way and that's my first step to freedom. Next is computer and house. I must tell mum about about my plans and be firm and not be forced into doing stuff that will just make me miserable because I want to keep my parents happy. I am almost 23 and I NEED my own life. Also must ring Centerlink and not hang up until I have answers.
I hope I can enjoy my birthday and summer when they come around. I hope maybe things will be better by then.
It's kind of tearing my heart out to see happy couples at the moment but it also makes me hope that we can get better and be more happy than they ever will be. I think we need each other, but we need to balance. I'm too smothering and often you're too distant and we just need to fix this. I don't know how but it has to happen.
Hrm, I probably haven't written all I did before and I am now utterly seething at LJ for being insensitive and wasting my time. But then again, it is just a stupid computer. I will copy this to the clipboard first then post and if it gets eaten I can just paste it back.
Okay, I will try again. *shakes*
Oh god it was so long, how am i gonna rewrite it??
Where do I start?
I once was a terrible loner. I occaisionally went out with my buddies but I was never really close to anyone. When Matt came along finally everything was perfect in the world and I had someone. I was delighted to have someone to look after me, someone to go out with, someone to love. But I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped because I had done the same to Matt. But pedestals are no good. They are shaky and will topple after too long. I fell into a cycle of dependence and did nothing but crush and smother, which I knew was not good but I couldn't help it... Christ I had this all written well and a stupid computer destroys it all *screams in frustration*.
I hope this break - whatever that entails helps and things will get better and maybe brilliant again. I hope I can find someone else to have fun with. I hope I can manage to be comfortable around others. I miss the kisses and hugs and intamacy already. I hope it doesn't kill me trying to improve.
I hate trying things and taking risks because every mistake I've made has just resulted in a mental slap in the face rather than a live and learn. I hope I can just shake my head, get over it and try again maybe soon even succeed.
Gee, this new version is even more disjointed than my eaten post.
I was thinking and we do have stuff in common. We appreciate good food, we love travelling, we like good music and some of the same movies. We also have our extreme differences but heck, things are boring if you're twins. We just desperately need to balance out and compromise.
A "cheque for the car" came in the mail yesterday. I can only assume it's insurance. So a new car is on the way and that's my first step to freedom. Next is computer and house. I must tell mum about about my plans and be firm and not be forced into doing stuff that will just make me miserable because I want to keep my parents happy. I am almost 23 and I NEED my own life. Also must ring Centerlink and not hang up until I have answers.
I hope I can enjoy my birthday and summer when they come around. I hope maybe things will be better by then.
It's kind of tearing my heart out to see happy couples at the moment but it also makes me hope that we can get better and be more happy than they ever will be. I think we need each other, but we need to balance. I'm too smothering and often you're too distant and we just need to fix this. I don't know how but it has to happen.
Hrm, I probably haven't written all I did before and I am now utterly seething at LJ for being insensitive and wasting my time. But then again, it is just a stupid computer. I will copy this to the clipboard first then post and if it gets eaten I can just paste it back.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-09-16 09:55 pm (UTC)My problems aren't you. My problems are Kat. I should have probably kept them away from LJ. It was difficult to do though considering she wrote about my conversation with her on LJ.
no subject
Date: 2002-09-16 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-09-16 10:50 pm (UTC)Maybe now you will understand that you are 'taking a break' from BJ. But when and if BJ starts getting close to someone else, or ceases to see you as much to spend most of her time around another guy, whether it be romantically or platonically, maybe you will understand.
Before a couple of weeks ago she used to want to see me 5 or 6 days a week after we broke up and up until 2 weeks ago. It almost was exactly like a relationship only there was a spoken understanding that it wasnt. it's not like she broke up with me, and went about her own business. She continued to come over as regularly as she used to when we were dating. She also still slept over. This isn't to say that I didn't want her to come over, otherwise I wouldn't, and its not to complain that she still wanted to see me, because I obviously, still wanted to see her.
What I am saying, is that it is hard to break the ties and the emotional attachments that are there in a relationship when you break up but still see each other daily. So inevitably, you still get affected by things.
And whether its an ex or a friend, you still are affected when someone suddenly changes their mind about hanging around you to take up better offers.
Ask Kat, she knows all about the pain of friends who were there and then suddenly weren't.