(no subject)

I think I'm subtle all the time because if I'm subtle and get rejected then it's like "oh, I was too subtle, they didn't understand."

If I'm direct and I get rejected, I have nothing to soften the blow of the fact that I'm just not wanted, I'm terrified of that, it rips me to shreds...

I have no problem with my self-esteem. It's self-confidence I lack. But it's really hard to develop any self-confidence when you keep getting put down.

I remember always being told that I failed at something because I never put in enough effort and that bugged me to the core because goddamn, I did put in the effort, I just can't control other people, I can't make them do what I or anyone else wants, so therefore I fail.

I don't put effort in - I fail.
I do put effory in - I still fail.

Really motivational eh?

And it's so lovely when people just walk away. It's great to know you don't want to put effort in either, even though everyone else seems to succeed on occaision. I guess I'm not worth the bother...

I think I'll go retreat to the darkness of my own fucked up thoughts again now.

Maybe one day, because for some stupid reason I do keep trying. I will end up winning, I will be the one calling the shots.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.

(no subject)

I think I'm subtle all the time because if I'm subtle and get rejected then it's like "oh, I was too subtle, they didn't understand."

If I'm direct and I get rejected, I have nothing to soften the blow of the fact that I'm just not wanted, I'm terrified of that, it rips me to shreds...

I have no problem with my self-esteem. It's self-confidence I lack. But it's really hard to develop any self-confidence when you keep getting put down.

I remember always being told that I failed at something because I never put in enough effort and that bugged me to the core because goddamn, I did put in the effort, I just can't control other people, I can't make them do what I or anyone else wants, so therefore I fail.

I don't put effort in - I fail.
I do put effory in - I still fail.

Really motivational eh?

And it's so lovely when people just walk away. It's great to know you don't want to put effort in either, even though everyone else seems to succeed on occaision. I guess I'm not worth the bother...

I think I'll go retreat to the darkness of my own fucked up thoughts again now.

Maybe one day, because for some stupid reason I do keep trying. I will end up winning, I will be the one calling the shots.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.

Reloaded

Saw it yesterday.

Yes, I must see it again, as usual.

2 questions/ponderings.

Obviously nature is a better creator than computers because the computer has chosen an encephalised form very similar to a cephalopod mollusc as the form for it's sentinels. Encephalisation was one of the major successes of evolution. Or maybe it's just like this because essentially computers can only know what the humans who created them know.

How deep is Zion meant to be? Because after about 50km in you get to VERY VERY hot possibly MOLTEN rocks. The further you go the pressure gets ludicrous, there is a whole layer or MOLTEN IRON, and right in the middle is iron hotter than the molten iron but under so much pressure that it's solid. In which case Zion couldn't physically be very deep at all. In which case these "digging machines" would get there in no time.

Reloaded

Saw it yesterday.

Yes, I must see it again, as usual.

2 questions/ponderings.

Obviously nature is a better creator than computers because the computer has chosen an encephalised form very similar to a cephalopod mollusc as the form for it's sentinels. Encephalisation was one of the major successes of evolution. Or maybe it's just like this because essentially computers can only know what the humans who created them know.

How deep is Zion meant to be? Because after about 50km in you get to VERY VERY hot possibly MOLTEN rocks. The further you go the pressure gets ludicrous, there is a whole layer or MOLTEN IRON, and right in the middle is iron hotter than the molten iron but under so much pressure that it's solid. In which case Zion couldn't physically be very deep at all. In which case these "digging machines" would get there in no time.