Apr. 19th, 2006

gemfyre: (Default)
I have to write this down. LJ is good for this.

I don't get what I want out of relationships and I don't have a best friend. There is a reason for this.

I never make the first move. Why? Somewhat because I feel like I'm intruding. I guess it's because I often feel this way myself. It's nothing personal, just me and I don't really want it to be me. I'd like to get more involved and have friends and networks like a 'normal' person is meant to have, but I take the Golden Rule a little too far. I hate it when someone starts smalltalk with me. To me it's inane and I often just find myself smiling and nodding and feeling uncomfortable and thinking if I contribute more it will be way too much for the other person because my response will not be cliched small talk. And because of that, I don't strike up small talk myself and in society it seems a pretty essential step to get any further in a relationship.

Other reason - I'm terrified of being rejected. Why? Sadly, because rejection is the result I often get. It gets disheartening and you become resigned to it. Why bother trying if all you'll get is a rejection? Why go to that effort just to be hurt? Yeah. I can't control other people. I resigned myself to that fact a few years ago.

I guess in that way I am disgustingly superficial and worry too much about what people think. I know some awesome people and I can't quite remember how we got to know each other like we do, but I get along well with these people and many I don't see often enough - why? Because I won't call them up and say, "Hey let's do this." because I'm feeling like I'm intruding and/or I think/know I'll be rejected. Bah.

I'm still getting used to this full time work thing. With Matt in his last semester too we barely see each other. I go to bed a few hours before he does and wake up before him usually. Our time together consists of eating dinner and watching TV/DVDs. Not very romantic/exciting. And I can't decide if I should start now to try and get us to fix things up, or if I should just wait it out until semester ends.

I have these great plans to do all these things. And when it comes to the time, more often than not I don't do them. There's a horrid apathy there that I don't like. It's finding time and motivation and being just as happy doing something alone because there's no-one that wants to share it with me. I'm always discovering that the fantasy of something always turns out to be better than the real thing, so I figure why not daydream my life away? It's preferable to reality. Anticipation is a great thing, but in the end things are always a disappointment, not as good as you imagined and over.

I think I'll have to start weaning myself off sleep. That's gotta be the only way I can do more. Instead of sleeping 11pm-7am I need a more midnight to 5am schedule to fit everything in, and be awake at the same times as everyone else. You can't sustain any relationships if you're sleeping when everyone else is up and partying. It's just a matter of getting over the crankiness, coldness and sickness that comes with lack of sleep for me. It seems to be one or the other - sleep less, or fuck up your relationships with people. *sigh*

Ah, and my weight. When I look in the mirror, I see an annoying double chin and a bit of a stomach and icky celluite on my thighs and butt. What I don't see is someone who is 30kg heavier than she was 8 years ago. I have no idea WHERE that 30kg is because I can't see it. Unless all that hip/butt/thigh fat is REALLY heavy. I don't see myself as that much larger. Sure I am a little - there's no denying that I'm now a 16 where I was once a 12. But I don't see it. I don't see a fat girl at all. Actually I fluctuate between the "big is beautiful" mentality to going "OMG that's disgusting, I want to look like *insert sexy, toned woman here*". I intend to purchase an exercise bike soon and pedal away whenever I'm watching TV. And I seem to be doing an unusual amount of that lately. Thing is, I think about the options. There is a lot of great food out there and I am often hungry (I wish I wasn't, but I can't deny being hungry, or I get cranky, maybe I need an appetite suppressant?), so I eat, simple. Eating is a social, cultural and fun activity. I count cooking/preparing food as part of the whole experience. Exercise on the other hand. Exercise ends me up tired out and often sore. When I think of the trade off exercise often comes off second best. I figure a few extra kilos is worth the lack of hunger and pain.

A few goals

Watch more Mythbusters - preferably with Matt
Make Broome scrapbook - this requires buying a printer, but in the meantime I can select the photos and do the write ups
Go out for lunch or dinner. Dinner is preferable, unless we go to Sizzler, where it can be either.
If you want to go out and birdwatch or shop or whatever, DON'T sit around thinking about it until it's too late, or talking yourself out of it. Goddamn just get in the car and DO IT. Gah.
gemfyre: (Default)
I have to write this down. LJ is good for this.

I don't get what I want out of relationships and I don't have a best friend. There is a reason for this.

I never make the first move. Why? Somewhat because I feel like I'm intruding. I guess it's because I often feel this way myself. It's nothing personal, just me and I don't really want it to be me. I'd like to get more involved and have friends and networks like a 'normal' person is meant to have, but I take the Golden Rule a little too far. I hate it when someone starts smalltalk with me. To me it's inane and I often just find myself smiling and nodding and feeling uncomfortable and thinking if I contribute more it will be way too much for the other person because my response will not be cliched small talk. And because of that, I don't strike up small talk myself and in society it seems a pretty essential step to get any further in a relationship.

Other reason - I'm terrified of being rejected. Why? Sadly, because rejection is the result I often get. It gets disheartening and you become resigned to it. Why bother trying if all you'll get is a rejection? Why go to that effort just to be hurt? Yeah. I can't control other people. I resigned myself to that fact a few years ago.

I guess in that way I am disgustingly superficial and worry too much about what people think. I know some awesome people and I can't quite remember how we got to know each other like we do, but I get along well with these people and many I don't see often enough - why? Because I won't call them up and say, "Hey let's do this." because I'm feeling like I'm intruding and/or I think/know I'll be rejected. Bah.

I'm still getting used to this full time work thing. With Matt in his last semester too we barely see each other. I go to bed a few hours before he does and wake up before him usually. Our time together consists of eating dinner and watching TV/DVDs. Not very romantic/exciting. And I can't decide if I should start now to try and get us to fix things up, or if I should just wait it out until semester ends.

I have these great plans to do all these things. And when it comes to the time, more often than not I don't do them. There's a horrid apathy there that I don't like. It's finding time and motivation and being just as happy doing something alone because there's no-one that wants to share it with me. I'm always discovering that the fantasy of something always turns out to be better than the real thing, so I figure why not daydream my life away? It's preferable to reality. Anticipation is a great thing, but in the end things are always a disappointment, not as good as you imagined and over.

I think I'll have to start weaning myself off sleep. That's gotta be the only way I can do more. Instead of sleeping 11pm-7am I need a more midnight to 5am schedule to fit everything in, and be awake at the same times as everyone else. You can't sustain any relationships if you're sleeping when everyone else is up and partying. It's just a matter of getting over the crankiness, coldness and sickness that comes with lack of sleep for me. It seems to be one or the other - sleep less, or fuck up your relationships with people. *sigh*

Ah, and my weight. When I look in the mirror, I see an annoying double chin and a bit of a stomach and icky celluite on my thighs and butt. What I don't see is someone who is 30kg heavier than she was 8 years ago. I have no idea WHERE that 30kg is because I can't see it. Unless all that hip/butt/thigh fat is REALLY heavy. I don't see myself as that much larger. Sure I am a little - there's no denying that I'm now a 16 where I was once a 12. But I don't see it. I don't see a fat girl at all. Actually I fluctuate between the "big is beautiful" mentality to going "OMG that's disgusting, I want to look like *insert sexy, toned woman here*". I intend to purchase an exercise bike soon and pedal away whenever I'm watching TV. And I seem to be doing an unusual amount of that lately. Thing is, I think about the options. There is a lot of great food out there and I am often hungry (I wish I wasn't, but I can't deny being hungry, or I get cranky, maybe I need an appetite suppressant?), so I eat, simple. Eating is a social, cultural and fun activity. I count cooking/preparing food as part of the whole experience. Exercise on the other hand. Exercise ends me up tired out and often sore. When I think of the trade off exercise often comes off second best. I figure a few extra kilos is worth the lack of hunger and pain.

A few goals

Watch more Mythbusters - preferably with Matt
Make Broome scrapbook - this requires buying a printer, but in the meantime I can select the photos and do the write ups
Go out for lunch or dinner. Dinner is preferable, unless we go to Sizzler, where it can be either.
If you want to go out and birdwatch or shop or whatever, DON'T sit around thinking about it until it's too late, or talking yourself out of it. Goddamn just get in the car and DO IT. Gah.

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